"Have You Eaten?"

“Whenever my mom makes food, it just brings me back to my childhood because you can't get t anywhere else. It's eating 苦瓜 (bitter melon) or 蒸肉饼 (steamed pork patty). It makes me feel like I'm back in my mom's home and we're eating this as a family…that expression [of love] is done through cooking, because they don't express [love verbally]. They say, ‘here, eat this,’” Sue (name changed for privacy reasons) reflected, remarking on the love language seen within Chinese culture. 

Graphic: https://www.seriouseats.com/seriously-asian-bitter-melon-stir-fry

Caught between Chinese and American culture, Sue has struggled with finding her own identity in life after immigrating to the US at a young age. As she grew up, Sue became a translator for her parents, becoming the sole communicator between her family and the outside world. Growing up surrounded by other Asian immigrant families also shaped the way Sue thought about success and survival.

“[Everybody around me] knew how hard our parents were working. If we didn't succeed, that's it. We're done for. As a group and all of my friends, we all work our ass off in school because of that. That created a stereotype, but it's out of necessity. And then at the end, [other minorities] see Asians outdoing them. And the question is, why? Because our parents instilled in us [the mentality of] if you don't succeed, that's it. So that's why I think these stereotypes exist, because it's either you do or die,” Sue commented, reflecting on the stereotypes that often came with being an Asian immigrant. “But I don’t agree with this, because within my own community, not everyone did that. People are interested in other things besides academics. It's true, but you still have the Asian culture of trying to succeed on every level. In my old neighborhood, it felt like you were battling a war together.” Through the hardship, this drive to succeed also formed a sense of unity throughout Sue’s peers, where everyone was facing similar challenges and stresses regarding their family’s stability in the US. 

However, growing up Asian in a predominantly White society still left an impression on Sue as she faced moments of doubt in her own heritage. “When you are younger, you [think that] maybe it's better to be white, or I shouldn't be doing this because that's too Chinese. [Or when people] say, “你食鹹魚”? (You eat salted fish?) What the hell is 鹹魚 (salted fish)? In the past, you wouldn't be proud to be Chinese, but over the years as you grow up, you wouldn’t want to be in any other culture, just because now you're really comfortable with your own identity. You understand what it means. And I think you feel special being Chinese. Your culture has existed for 2000 years. Now I embrace it. I will tell everyone,” Sue reflected.

That said, this development in Sue’s mindset isn’t echoed by all members of the Chinese-American community, where many still have this desire to disassociate with their culture. Instead of recognising all parts of their identity, they choose to diverge from their Chinese heritage – from befriending everyone but Asian people, to wishing they were White – this idea of White superiority still remains in their mindset. 

To this day, Sue still finds herself between two cultures, unable to fit entirely into one specific “box.” She mentioned, “I went to Hong Kong, just to try and find a more Asian or Chinese identity that you know will give you a better sense of belonging…The thing is, whatever culture I was in, I felt the other way. So I didn't feel 100% that I belonged in any culture. And at the end, I just want to be the person I am. And it's really just a blend of two cultures,” embracing her true identity as she ceased her attempts to “fit” into one culture or another. Through returning to Hong Kong, Sue realised how her identity is made up of the experiences that make her who she really is, and not a strict guideline of cultural rules to follow. 

Likewise, Sue’s children, who have been raised in Hong Kong, have similarly experienced this split between Chinese and American cultures. Although they have spent the majority of their lives in Hong Kong, their memories are slowly fading as they start to become integrated into American culture. Their perspectives, however, remain influenced by the strict Hong Kong style of thinking.

Yet one aspect of Sue’s life remained the same after all these years, where she passed her love language of cooking down to her children through daily shared meals. “Even the words in our culture, they ask, ‘have you eaten?’ That's an expression of their love, because it's a care.” Sue reflected, noting the differences of how love is expressed between cultures. “My mom, because she can't walk, said, ‘Hey, come over, pick up some food and then take it home.’ She'll cook for me, and that's how she expresses [her love]. Because she's not going to say it.”